Broken and hopeless. Most people wouldn’t expect this of the daughter of a Baptist pastor. I had been in church from the time I was a toddler, and had a very happy childhood. Through my childhood I professed salvation many times, and sincerely wanted to do right. Then, as a young teen, I was sexually abused by an uncle. I then went through many years of self-harm, including eating disorders, thoughts of suicide, and multiple attempts at suicide. I was depressed most of the time, feeling discarded and unwanted by God. My perfect life had become completely unglued and I thought I was losing my mind. And I couldn’t fix myself. I prayed many, many times, “Jesus, if I’m not saved, please save me.” This became a ritual for me. I was consumed with trying to find peace. To me, this meant erasing several years of my life, and starting over. The mental torture was maddening.

I don’t remember anything good from my teen years. I was in need of Jesus Christ in my life, yet claimed that I already knew Him as my Saviour. I was not a Christian, which made things so much harder. I had to put on that much more of a show, to pretend to be one. I hung on to this “false Christianity” for many years, into my adult life, through college, into marriage, and having my first children.

I asked my husband many times whether he thought that I was saved or not. I was searching for assurance, somewhere, but couldn’t find it. At some point after our second child was born, I became sure that I was not a Christian. My husband said that if he lost me, life would be so sad without me, but God would be there for him and sustain him. I replied that if I were to lose him, I would kill myself because I couldn’t live without him. It was then I realized I didn’t have God to rely on. I was alone. Now that I knew this, I was on a mission – to get myself saved. I talked to many Christians and asked them how they came to know Christ as their Saviour. God was working in my heart through all of this, but I was still trying to fix things, myself. I didn’t want God to show me faults that were keeping me from salvation. My faults put me in the same category as people that had abused and hurt me deeply– sinners in need of a Saviour. I wanted God’s worst possible judgment on others, yet I wanted God to save me without having to acknowledge my own sin.

It felt like I was stuck and unable to be saved. Several times I thought that God was cruelly teasing me and holding salvation out of my reach as punishment. I felt like He hated me. For more than a year I grappled with trying to figure out how to get saved. I became more cynical about different things during this time, especially since I couldn’t seem to become a Christian. What was I missing? What was wrong with me? I started to act and speak in ways that I never had before. I figured there was no point in trying to be a Christian anymore, since I wasn’t one.

I became pregnant with our third child at this stage. Over time, I listened as God showed me things. He was drawing me faithfully toward Jesus Christ. It all made sense one Sunday, when I heard a message preached on thankfulness. The preacher as talking about the ten lepers whom Jesus healed. Only one was thankful. I realized that I was an unthankful person for all that God had done for me. I spoke with someone after the service and prayed for God to save me that morning. I was ready to turn away from my sin and give up anything and everything and turn to Christ. But after praying I was missing something still, and knew it. I was terribly discouraged. Then Tuesday, around 1 or 2 in the morning I couldn’t sleep, and God showed me that I hadn’t confessed that I, Lindsey Norberg, was a sinner. I agreed that, yes, I was, and immediately I was cleansed and made whole. When Jesus healed the ten lepers, the Bible says in Luke 17:15-16, “And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God, And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.” I was finally thankful to God, and gave Him the glory. I finally had the “peace that passeth understanding,” the peace that I had longed for – the one true peace, and in an instant.

I was saved early that morning, in bed. And when I was, I knew that I was a changed person. For years, I wanted to be whole, and felt that I had lost the best part of my life. Now God has made me whole and given me joy in place of sorrow.