“I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.” (Psalm 40:1-3)

When I was about five years old, my mom left my dad due to difficult reasons and went back to school to get a degree in elementary education. We eventually ended up in a small town in North Dakota where Mom got a job teaching school. During that time, I remember that a personal relationship with God was very important to Mom. She made sure we were in church pretty much every time the doors were open. When hard times came, she would say, “There is a God in heaven and He is still on the throne.” In my heart there was a yearning to know God. Yet, I was fearful, very insecure, and felt bad and dirty.

After high school, I attended a Bible college in Canada. Upon completion of my course work there, I transferred to a Christian college in Omaha, Nebraska, where I earned a degree that allowed me to be an elementary school teacher. At times, throughout my college years, I felt empty. I was busy seeking a career and the security that would bring, but in the depths of my heart I knew that something was missing. I was still fearful, insecure, and felt bad and dirty. I remember one night begging God, “Please help me, wherever You are, please help me.”

Some time passed, and I was employed at a Christian school. Shortly after arriving in town, my cousin invited me to her church. I had planned to attend somewhere, and was happy to go with someone I knew. As the days and weeks passed and the newness of the job and location began to wear off, the fear, insecurities, and feeling that I did not measure up came back. I found myself spiralling downward. I just wanted to be done with the turmoil, done with feeling bad and dirty, and just done with life. I remember thinking that if I quit going to church, this turmoil would go away. At the same time, I knew that what I was hearing was the TRUTH! If I were to stop attending, I would be turning my back on the TRUTH. I knew that this TRUTH was my only hope.

My mom told me that when I was about five years old, I prayed and asked Jesus to come into my heart. As an adult, I thought about this a lot. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.” I looked at my life and wondered where the old things and the new things were. All I could see were things. I could not point to old and new things. I kept thinking about all that I had done in my life. I always wanted to do the right thing. I did not like the idea of getting in trouble and avoided things that would result in trouble. I was a faithful church attender, had gone to Christian colleges, and was teaching at a Christian school! I must have been a Christian! Yet, I knew Titus 3:5, “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost…” I knew that salvation had nothing to do with good works. This played over and over in my mind. Still, I clung to the past and what I had been told. Finally, several months later, I understood and admitted to myself that my selfishness, my self-righteousness, my bad attitude, and my pride were, in the eyes of a holy God, sin. My sin separated me from the God that I yearned to know and this was the reason I was miserable. My pride screamed, “What will people think?”

In the spring of 1986, I finally stopped fighting. I didn’t care what people thought of me, I wanted peace. I told God that I didn’t want my way, my sin, anymore. Finally, I saw the old things and new things. Finally, I was a new creature! Several years later, the Lord showed me that the hurt from childhood was not my fault. The feeling of being dirty was gone, and I was free! Burdens are lifted at Calvary!