Have you ever spoken to the wind? Or shouted out to the sky, wanting answers? Maybe, too, you’ve wanted to know WHY…HOW? I remember the empty feeling in my soul after those prayers.

I grew up hearing about God’s love and the gospel. I knew the Bible was true, but I was missing something deep in my heart. I was so afraid of dying. Nightmares haunted me.

I had said several “repeat after me” prayers as a young child because I knew Jesus loved me and I wanted to go to heaven, too. But nothing ever changed, you know, on the inside? Even after religious experiences, I still felt empty afterwards…still STUCK with the real Diana. I loved being good. But I felt so alone inside. So terrified because I knew my heart didn’t really KNOW Christ.

When it came to real life, choices and relationships, it was just Diana calling all of the shots—and messing everything up. A verse that specifically bothered me was 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” I was the same as I’d always been. Doing good left me empty. Doing wrong (sinning) left me guilty. I was alone with no real power over my true sinful desires or impulses. And I knew what awaited me if I never found God…hell.

One morning, I told my mom about my struggle: my fear of hell combatting my anger at God for not showing me what to do. I really wanted to KNOW God. I knew I was missing SOMETHING. When I prayed, it felt like my prayers hit the ceiling, crashing back down on my own head instead of making it to God. Mom’s answer was direct, “Diana, no one gets saved by being afraid of hell. You need to seek God and trust He will give you answers, in His time. You need to ask Him to help you not to focus on hell, so that you can listen to what He wants to show you about your heart.”

I listened to my mom. I begged God again, “Show me, oh, please show me what I’m missing!” I chose to believe He heard me, even if I didn’t feel a bit different.

My friend, there’s a verse where God tells us, “And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13) That very day God met with me! For the first time in my life, I started to see, I mean REALLY see, my sin. I wasn’t thinking about heaven or hell or how good I was or how angry I felt. God had my full attention as He showed me what had been standing in the way of a real relationship with Jesus. It was my sin. And it wasn’t a few sins I had done, sprinkled throughout my church-kid life. No, it was that I was ALL sinful. Everything I attempted to do stemmed from a sinful heart that condemned me before God. My pride, anger, self-suffi-ciency, fear, self-satisfaction…all of it made me guilty. I wasn’t good; I was an enemy of God! Believe me: the weight of my sin in those moments was so heavy.

I finally understood WHY I was worthy of hell, and why Calvary was so gruesome…because my sin IS gruesome. Right as the awfulness of my guilt was at its worse, I remembered…Jesus! The cross! God knew I’d be this way, but He made a way for me to be free! He made a way for me to be FORGIVEN! That’s why Jesus came: for terrible sinners…for me. I couldn’t wait to pray. All I could think of was confessing my sin to God and asking for His forgiveness.

When I spoke to God, I gave Him all of me: every bit of ME, all my SIN, all my LIFE. I gave Him the future choices I would make. I wanted JESUS more than anything else…His forgiveness, His control, His peace.\

And He forgave me and saved me! I’m not alone anymore, even in my darkest times. Praying is no longer empty or lonely. My very desires have changed, and I have the strength and joy I searched for. Everything changed when the Lord found me.

Have you ever found God? One thing I learned was that HE was seeking me. I just couldn’t see Him working, until looking back. If you are seeking, please don’t stop. Please believe what the Bible says in Hebrews 11:6: “For he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”